Richard Swett's Advice to Current Students

THE THINGS MY FATHER NEVER TAUGHT ME

By Ambassador (ret.) Richard N. Swett, FAIA

I have given many commencement speeches over my lifetime and as time went by, I came to recognize that there are only a few things that I think are important to pass on to the next generation of young people. These are the four lessons I have learned that I feel are worth sharing with you.

But, before I do that, let me tell you it is a real honor to be given this opportunity to share them with you. I am grateful for this opportunity. I take this responsibility very seriously and I know it is a difficult challenge because the first thing I did was to think back and try and remember who has given me advice that I remembered, and guess what, I couldn’t remember many who did. So right off the bat, my worst fate could be that no one who reads this will ever remember what I said.

I take that realization as a challenge because it made me realize that I need to say something memorable enough that you take it in and use it again and again over the course of your life, and when you do - Viola! - You will think of me! 

So, I am writing as much to secure a small bit of immortality as I am to enlighten you. That means we are in this effort together. It’s a team effort. Remember that thought, as it will come up again later.

Now, I will say from the start that I have an advantage regarding this memorable advice goal that I have set for us. But I will save that for last just in case my words of wisdom fall flat and are unmemorable, let alone uninspiring. But let me first try and earn a place in your memory with some thoughts that I have to share before I play my trump card. 

The title of my advice I am about to give you is “The Things my Father Never Taught Me”. Let me start by saying that my father, in my eyes, was a great man. I was lucky to be his son. He was the most honest person I have ever known, and he possessed a kind and caring heart, a strong work ethic, and great intelligence in a wide variety of things. But over my lifetime there are a few things, four that I will share with you, that he never sat down and took the time to teach me, and these are the things I learned on my own.

Nor do I blame my dad for not pointing these things out to me. In many ways, his example was how he taught, and I was fortunate enough to pay attention and pick up on some of the more important aspects of his example. 

Interestingly enough, most of the four things he didn’t teach me, I learned in my early years, like when I was in high school and college. 

The first thing my father didn’t teach me I learned when I was a freshman in high school. I don’t remember the exact day, but it was definitely my freshman year when I learned to live every day as if it was my last. It is not a morbid thought. Rather, it is a motivating thought that ensures that I am doing all I can each day to make that the fullest, best, most accomplished day of my life up to that point. I had to put a lot of thought into the fact that I would not be accomplishing the goal or goals I had set for myself, so I had to look at the progress I was making towards those goals and be sure I was doing my very best. What I realized was it forced me to focus on the process of becoming, instead of the end result of being.

The second thing my father didn’t teach me I didn’t learn until I was 30 years old. It took me 30 years to swallow my foolish pride and realize that I could not make it on my own. This idea of the self-made man is a lie. No one is self-made. Not even Donald Trump or Bill Gates. Their fathers gave them millions to get started. I wish we all could have parents who could have gotten us started like that. 

I didn’t and you probably don’t, but what you do have are a lot of people who love you and want to support you in any way they can. Don’t refuse their help or turn away their support. More importantly, find among them a mentor or mentors who you can pattern your lives after. That is the third lesson my father never taught me, at least directly.

One of the best gifts he gave me was his example of honesty, hard work, the desire to make the world a better place, his love for family and community. These were all part of the man he was, which helped me to become the man I am. But you can look beyond your own family for mentors. There might be a teacher, coach or club advisor who has taken special interest in you that you can look up to for inspiration, and remember, your mentors don’t have to still be alive. History books are replete with figures that make terrific role models. 

Start looking for some. You don’t have to take the whole package. There may be some qualities that you can use while others don’t apply. 

Pick and choose what is best for you. The most important thing is that you actively choose and continue to think about those choices for the rest of your lives.

For me, the best historical figures that I continue to learn from are not very original. I am a devoted student of the teachings of Jesus, and I have learned a great deal from the lives of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. As for living mentors, my wife continues to mentor me, for which I am very grateful. But I also look up to people like the leaders in my church for their fine examples of character and devotion. I am sorry to say there are few in the political world today that inspire or guide me.  

You need to find out who your guiding lights are for your own lives, learn as much as you possibly can about them and apply what you learn.

The fourth and last bit of advice my father never told me is best delivered with the telling of two stories.

The first story is the story of two brothers (well, sort of) who ended up on opposing teams in the NCAA men’s basketball finals in 2016. Their names are Nate Britt, who played for UNC and Kris Jenkins, who played for Villanova.

The story begins when Jenkins was a kid. His mother was a college basketball player and later a coach, who taught her son the game from an early age. The Jenkins met the Britts through the local AAU basketball team coached by Nate’s father.

Very quickly things got complicated. Kris’ parents separated, his baby sister became very ill, and his mother had to devote all her time to the baby in the hospital. This took a toll on Kris’ grades, and they started to plummet. He was taken in by the Britts during this difficult time. And then his 11-month-old sister died, and his mother took a coaching job in South Carolina, far from Baltimore where they were living.

But Kris’ mother had not forgotten about her son. She saw the good effect the Britt family was having on Kris, and she made a very difficult decision, one that most mothers would not be willing to make. She asked the Britts to adopt Kris full time as their son. 

Felicia Jenkins said, “Understand it was the most difficult decision I made in my life, but I knew I had to make it in order to make sure he had the best opportunity.”

The Britts were surprised, but they agreed to take in Kris.

“It was tough at first, but the Britts accepted me,” said Kris. “The whole family just made me feel so welcome, and they … elevated me as a person and made me better… I thank God for it every day.” 

The rest of the story, as they say, is history. The two boys went on to great athletic careers and wound up at two great universities that ended up playing against each other in the March Madness Finals. And both sets of parents were there at the finals, cheering their sons on to victory. Did it matter which team won? Not really. 

Both Kris and Nate admitted that they had already won because of the sacrifices their parents and they had made for each other over the years.

The moral of this story is that nobody had to do any of this. And yet they did.

Felicia Jenkins didn’t have to give up her son. The Britts didn’t have to take him in. Nate and Kris didn’t have to accept each other. 

Everybody in this scenario behaved in a way that required generosity, love, openness, and extraordinary care for the welfare of other people, even at their own expense. 

The other story is very different. 25 years ago, an 18 year old Nigerian boy wrote a letter to a newly elected Member of Congress congratulating him on his victory. They both belonged to the same church, but beyond that, shared nothing else in common. Unlike many emails that come out of Nigeria these days, this letter contained nothing of the corrupt schemes claiming the need to deposit money in the receiver’s account. It only wanted to establish a friendship, which for some reason the Congressman accepted and began a pen pal correspondence. 

Soon after the correspondence began the young Nigerian, whose name is Lucky, wrote asking for funds to help pay for an operation that his mother needed. 

It was not an insubstantial amount of money, but upon reflection and prayer the Congressman and his family decided to help Lucky’s mother. 

Several years went by and the conversation turned to what Lucky would do with his future. He wanted to get a degree in accounting but had no funds with which to pay for one. Again, his American friend stepped up and helped to pay for the degree. After graduation Lucky needed to set up a business and again, he was supplied with sufficient funds to make a cell phone kiosk that sold cell phones, call cards and other devices to students at the university. That was when Lucky’s luck ran out.

Nigeria is not a very stable or safe place. There is continual political, religious, and ethnic unrest. Shortly after he had established his business and hired an employee, there were riots at the university and his kiosk was trampled and destroyed, his employee killed, and Lucky ended up in the hospital with two broken legs and barely a breath of life left. It was 6 months before his American friend heard what had happened and when they were reunited by a phone call there were tears of joy.

Lucky had to start over yet again, and so he did with the help of his friend, whom he had never met except by phone and mail. He started to rise as a leader in his church, which required traveling by motorbike from community to community giving talks and attending meetings. 

One evening, as he traveled in the dark, a band of thugs attacked him, beating him to within an inch of his life, stole his motorbike and left him in a drainage ditch for dead. 

Miraculously, he lived.

Today, he has several degrees in accounting and is the CFO of a large hospital in Nigeria.

These two stories are examples of what can happen when we give assistance to our fellow human beings. As my last point of advice, I want you to consider what this world would be like if every family was able to take in one person who for whatever reasons, had fallen on hard times or was just not able to make ends meet, and worked with them to lift them to a higher and better life. It would be transformative. As you go through life, I hope this is one way of giving back that you never forget. 

We all need to behave in a way that requires generosity, love, openness, and extraordinary care for the welfare of others, even at our own expense and sacrifice.

But, if you do forget what I have written, even though I have given you such compelling examples and stories, I have one last way I can guarantee you will remember me, but I must tell that with one last story. 

Recently, I was buying something at one of the stores along the newly remodeled Main Street in downtown Concord, NH. I handed the store clerk, a young man who looked to be in his early to mid-thirties, my credit card. He looked at it and looked at me and said, “You’re not the Dick Swett, are you?” to which I sheepishly smiled and replied, “Yes, I probably am.”

He grinned and said, “You came and taught at my school when I was in 8th grade, and I remember…” 

At that point I interrupted and said, with probably more of a smug smile than was warranted, “I bet you remember what I always said to students when I taught in their class – Don’t aspire to public office, aspire to public service!” to which, he shook his head back and forth, saying, “No, that wasn’t it at all.” 

Then he said what made him remember me and what will make you remember me.

He said, “You said when you introduced yourself that your name was Dick Swett and that there wasn’t a joke about your name that you hadn’t heard, and that furthermore, you had a roommate in college whose name was Timber Dick and the two of you married sisters and between you had 17 children!” 

If that story will get you to remember the name of the author whose advice you just read, then maybe you will recall that I told you to 1) live every day as though it is your last; 2) you cannot do it all on your own, so start working with others; 3) pick some mentors to follow and pattern your lives after; and 4) find someone you can help that makes a significant difference in his or her life.

If you can remember all that, I guarantee your lives will be successful.